Finding Hope in an Unhappy Marriage: What You Can Do

Published on: 17 Jan 2025
Clinically Reviewed by Meaghan Rice PsyD., LPC
Finding Hope in an Unhappy Marriage

Feeling unhappy in a marriage is more common than many people realize. In fact, research shows that up to 20% of couples are dissatisfied with their marriage at any given time. The reasons behind this unhappiness are varied—poor communication, unrealistic or unmet expectations, external stressors, conflicts over parenting, financial problems in marriage, and a host of other factors. When these issues go unaddressed, the emotional toll can be significant, often leading to anxiety, depression, and a sense of isolation. The impact on mental and emotional well-being can be profound, making it harder to find joy or fulfillment in the relationship.

The good news is that for many couples, an unhappy marriage can be turned around. You don’t always have to call it quits. In fact, many couples who face challenges ultimately emerge stronger and more connected than before. The key to fixing an unhappy marriage is recognizing the signs of dissatisfaction, understanding the underlying causes, and knowing what steps to take—whether that’s working through issues together or, in some cases, realizing it may be time to part ways.

Whether you’re determined to rekindle your marriage or are considering moving on, you’re not alone. There is hope, and support is available. Keep reading to discover more about how you can navigate this journey.

Common Signs of an Unhappy Marriage

Recognizing the signs of an unhappy marriage is the first step toward making positive changes. If any of the following resonates with you, it may be time to examine your relationship more closely and consider how to address the issues.

Here are some common indicators that a marriage may be struggling:

  • Frequent arguments 
  • Unresolved conflicts  
  • Emotional disconnection
  • Lack of intimacy
  • Feeling lonely, even when together
  • Avoidance of difficult conversations or topics
  • Feeling bored or stagnant
  • Constant criticism
  • Feeling contempt 
  • Defensiveness in interactions
  • Neglecting each other’s needs, emotionally or physically
  • Loss of trust due to betrayal, such as infidelity
  • Persistent feelings of resentment
  • Regularly feeling frustrated

Exploring the Root Causes of Marital Unhappiness

For most couples, marital unhappiness doesn’t occur overnight—it’s usually the result of a buildup of issues over time. Marriage problems often start small but, if left unaddressed, can gradually erode the foundation of the relationship. Understanding the root causes of your unhappiness is crucial to making meaningful changes and moving toward a healthier, more fulfilling connection.

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Communication breakdown

Ineffective communication is a major cause of marital unhappiness. When couples don’t communicate well, frequent misunderstandings are common. They also might begin to avoid difficult topics, which can lead to resentment and put distance between them. 

For example, a married couple might have the same argument over household responsibilities, but the underlying issue could be the lack of appreciation or acknowledgment of one another’s efforts. Built-up frustrations can cause an emotional divide when couples don’t express their emotions.

“Communication breakdowns occur, not instantly, but over time. It starts with not listening to one another to prepare ourselves for the expected fight. Instead of reacting in the moment to the expected statements, take a step back and discern what IS actually being said to what we THINK is being said. Employing active listening skills can help in reducing miscommunication and the eventual breakdown in communication.”

” – Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Growing apart

People and relationships can change over time. Unless you make a conscientious decision to stay connected, it’s easy to grow apart over the years. Hobbies, interests, career paths, or even personal goals can shift and leave one or both partners feeling disconnected, isolated, and unsupported.

For instance, maybe you invest considerable time in your demanding career, but your partner wants to focus more on personal hobbies or raising children. This disconnection often weakens the emotional bond, making the relationship less fulfilling for both partners.

Unrealistic expectations

Studies show a significant factor that can lead to divorce is bringing unrealistic expectations into the marriage. For example, if you expect your partner or spouse to know how to meet your every emotional need, even when you haven’t told them what they are, you’re likely to experience utter disappointment in your marriage. 

Conflict or resentment

Although conflict is a natural part of any relationship, not dealing with it can lead to deep-seated resentment and cause long-term damage. Resentment can come from unresolved issues in the marriage, like feeling unappreciated, mistreated, or unheard.  

One example of how conflict might breed resentment is feeling burdened by unequal household responsibilities, but your concerns are dismissed when you share them with your partner. These unresolved frustrations can spiral into an unhappy couple dynamic. Learning how to resolve conflict in a relationship can mitigate this common cause of marital unhappiness.

Personal issues or life stress

Personal challenges and stress in life, like mental health struggles, career stress, family challenges, financial issues, or unresolved trauma, can all impact a marriage. 

For example, you might start arguing more when you’re going through a tough financial time. The arguments aren’t due to a lack of love but to heightened stress and anxiety.

Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the most emotionally devastating challenges a marriage can face. For some couples, it becomes a turning point—an opportunity to rebuild trust and repair their relationship. For others, the betrayal is irreparable, leading to the end of the marriage.

The reasons behind infidelity in a relationship are complex and often tied to unmet emotional or physical needs, a lack of connection, or personal vulnerabilities. For instance, a partner who feels neglected or emotionally disconnected may seek validation or intimacy outside the marriage as a way to fill that void. Understanding the underlying issues that contribute to infidelity is crucial, as it can help couples decide whether healing is possible or if moving forward separately is the healthier option.

Abuse 

Abuse can take many forms—physical, emotional, verbal, or financial—and it should never be overlooked or tolerated in any marriage. Unlike other challenges that might be worked through with effort and understanding, abuse is never justified. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, the priority must always be safety and well-being above all else.

Abuse can manifest in various ways, including:

  • Physical harm 
  • Controlling behavior
  • Constant criticism
  • Verbal assault or belittling 
  • Gaslighting
  • Extreme jealousy
  • Isolation from friends or family
  • Withholding or controlling money 

Lack of effort or neglect

Relationships need consistent, dedicated attention to succeed. If either partner quits putting energy into a marriage — by neglecting emotional needs, not spending quality time together, or not prioritizing the relationship — dissatisfaction will ultimately follow sooner or later.

A lack of effort or neglect can eventually cause one or both partners to withdraw from the relationship emotionally.

What to Do if You’re in an Unhappy Marriage

Facing marital challenges can be incredibly difficult, but the good news is that, in many cases, you can fix an unhappy marriage. It takes effort, commitment, and a willingness to address the underlying issues, but with the right approach, positive change is possible. Here are some steps you can take to begin improving your relationship and create a healthier, happier marriage.

Work on open communication

Open, honest communication is the foundation of a successful marriage. If you and your partner have avoided tough conversations, or you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, try creating a safe space for honest dialogue. This means creating an environment where both of you can express your thoughts and emotions without the fear of judgment or blame.

Start by having a respectful and honest conversation about how you’re feeling and what you need from the relationship. Use “I” statements (such as “I feel…”) to express your emotions rather than placing blame. This simple shift can reduce defensiveness and create a more productive, compassionate exchange. By consistently fostering open communication, you build trust and a deeper emotional connection.

Seek marriage counseling

Marriage counseling can be a powerful tool for healing, yet many couples question whether marriage counseling works. The answer is yes—research shows that up to 70% of couples who pursue therapy experience significant improvements in their relationship. A skilled therapist can help you both navigate complex issues, offering valuable insights and strategies for rebuilding communication, understanding each other’s needs, and managing conflict in a healthier way.

A good therapist can also help you uncover patterns of behavior that may be contributing to your struggles and guide you toward healthier relationship dynamics. Whether you’re dealing with long-standing issues or more recent relationship challenges, therapy provides a safe, structured space to address difficult topics with professional guidance, offering the support needed to rebuild and strengthen your marriage.

Rebuild emotional intimacy

Rebuilding emotional intimacy is essential for restoring closeness in a marriage. Spending quality time together and focusing on reconnecting emotionally can help restore the bond that may have been lost. Building trust and creating an environment where both partners feel safe and vulnerable is essential to achieving this. When both individuals feel heard and valued, it’s easier to open up, share deeper feelings, and express affection.

Showing appreciation for each other is another key way to foster an emotional connection. Small gestures of love and acknowledgment can go a long way in making your partner feel cherished and understood.

“During the course of a relationship, couples tend to get complacent in the long-term aspect of it. Within a marriage, this idea that the couple doesn’t need to try anymore because the goal of marriage has been achieved sets in, leading to not being quite as emotionally intimate as when the courtship was occurring. Go back on dates together, find new things that can be enjoyed together, and consider group activities geared towards couples. Rebuilding emotional intimacy often means to be more intentional about showing that we care for one another.”

Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Work on conflict resolution skills

Healthy conflict resolution is a vital skill in any relationship. Learning how to handle disagreements constructively can prevent arguments from escalating and allow you to address underlying issues without causing further harm. While it may take practice, improving how you manage conflict can lead to less tension and greater understanding between partners.

Wondering how to resolve conflict in a relationship? Utilize these tips:

  • Stay calm
  • Avoid raising your voice
  • Focus on the problem, not the person
  • Avoid personal attacks
  • Go for compromise instead of trying to win

Set realistic expectations

Unhealthy expectations can cause disappointment and dissatisfaction. Rather than expecting your partner to meet all your needs or be perfect, try to appreciate their contributions to the relationship. Realizing that no marriage is perfect and adjusting your expectations isn’t the same as settling. It’s recognizing that even though your relationship has challenges, you can overcome them and grow together. 

Invest in the relationship

Neglect can manifest slowly, starting with things like skipping date nights or forgetting to offer small gestures of appreciation. Over time, these seemingly small things can result in significant physical and emotional distance between you and your partner. 

It’s essential to make a conscious effort to nurture your marriage and your partner. When you prioritize your relationship, you can rebuild connections and remember why you fell in love in the first place. 

Simple gestures can go a long way in reigniting intimacy and affection:

  • Leave thoughtful notes for each other 
  • Plan date nights — even if they’re just a special dinner at home
  • Surprise your partner with a small act of kindness or thoughtfulness
  • Set aside time for hobbies and activities you both enjoy

Prioritize self-care

Taking care of yourself mentally and physically is crucial, especially if you’re struggling in your marriage. When you prioritize self-care, you’ll have the energy to approach a relationship with clarity and resilience. Taking care of yourself does more than just benefit you — it helps you show up as a better partner.

Here are some ways to prioritize self-care:

  • Work out regularly
  • Pursue hobbies you enjoy
  • Eat and sleep well
  • Start therapy 
  • Practice mindfulness

Reignite physical intimacy

Physical intimacy is a central part of any marriage. Don’t be afraid to discuss your needs and explore ways to rebuild this important part of your relationship. Establishing a physical, intimate connection with each other can strengthen your bond and improve your marriage.

  • Start with small gestures, like holding hands or hugging
  • Openly talk about your needs and desires
  • Avoid judgment
  • Explore new ways to connect physically through shared experiences or by trying something new

Practice forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools for healing in a marriage. Letting go of past grievances and forgiving each other can be incredibly liberating. It allows you to move forward without being weighed down by old hurts and resentments. It’s important to understand that forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing the wrongdoing—it simply means choosing to release the emotional hold that past issues have on you.

“Forgiving our partner can be difficult. It takes a lot of time, work, and effort by both partners to rebuild that trust to earn that forgiveness. It’s not about ‘forgive and forget’ but forgiving despite the hurt. It is helpful to reach out to a couples/marriage counselor to help in working through the hurt and forgiveness. Above all, be sure to try and resolve the conflict so that it doesn’t linger in resentment, causing the inability to forgive.”

Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Here’s how you can practice forgiveness in your relationship:

  • Acknowledge the hurt but stay focused on today and tomorrow
  • Communicate your feelings
  • Encourage your partner to talk about their feelings
  • Don’t punish yourself or your partner for mistakes

Be willing to grow and adapt together

To have a successful marriage, you must be willing to evolve as individuals and as a couple. 

Change is inevitable, and growing together will strengthen your bond. Growth isn’t always easy, but embracing it and working together will help you create a resilient and fulfilling partnership.

As you navigate life’s changes, here are some ways to grow together and strengthen your partnership:

  • Embrace change as an opportunity
  • Support each other’s personal growth and goals
  • Stay open to learning new ways to connect with each other 
  • Never give up on communicating

When to Consider Separation or Divorce

Not all relationships are salvageable. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, staying together might not be the best choice. In some cases, taking a break in a relationship can provide the space needed to evaluate your feelings and decide on the best course of action.

When to consider separation or divorce:

  • Ongoing abuse is occurring
  • Infidelity has damaged trust to the point of no return
  • Emotional neglect persists despite sharing the hurt it causes
  • One or both of you are unwilling to do the work and invest in the relationship

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship and are thinking about getting out, a therapist can help clarify your options. By working with a therapist, you can ensure the decisions you make are in your best interest. 

Remember that every relationship is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Therapy can offer you the clarity you need to move forward confidently in every decision you make.  

Transform Your Marriage with Professional Support

Being dissatisfied with marriage is more common than you probably realize. Fortunately, there are things you can do — like having a conversation with your partner, becoming more intentional about your relationship, or seeking professional help. Getting support through therapy or counseling will offer you the tools and insight you need to rebuild or reimagine your relationship. 

Talkspace is an accessible, convenient, affordable way to get couples therapy that fits your needs and schedule. Talkspace therapists are licensed and specialize in relationship challenges, so you can save your marriage or take the first step as you choose a new path. Either way, there is hope — and help is available at Talkspace.

If you’re ready to address the challenges in your marriage, contact Talkspace today to learn more about online couples therapy.

Sources:

  1. Wall D. Marital distress. ABCT – Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. April 8, 2021. https://www.abct.org/fact-sheets/marital-distress/. Accessed November 23, 2024.
  2. Faubert K. This Isn’t a Fairy Tale: An Exploration of Marital Expectations and Coping Among Married Women. Miami University Department of Family Studies and Social Work. https://etd.ohiolink.edu/acprod/odb_etd/ws/send_file/send?accession=miami1226116928&disposition=inline. Accessed November 23, 2024.
  3. Lebow J, Snyder DK. Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Family Process. 2022;61(4):1359-1385. doi:10.1111/famp.12824, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10087549. Accessed November 23, 2024.

Talkspace articles are written by experienced mental health-wellness contributors; they are grounded in scientific research and evidence-based practices. Articles are extensively reviewed by our team of clinical experts (therapists and psychiatrists of various specialties) to ensure content is accurate and on par with current industry standards.

Our goal at Talkspace is to provide the most up-to-date, valuable, and objective information on mental health-related topics in order to help readers make informed decisions.

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