How to Overcome Sexual Shame

If you’ve ever felt embarrassed, broken, or afraid because of your sexuality, you’re not alone. Sexual shame runs deep, often stemming from the messages we absorbed growing up, from our culture, religion, families, or past experiences. It can show up as guilt after intimacy, fear of being judged, or even a sense that something is fundamentally wrong with you. These feelings can have a dark, negative impact on everything from self-esteem to relationships to your ability to feel safe and connected in your body. However, sexual shame doesn’t have to be permanent. 

Whether you’re coping with the effects of sexual assault or trying to shake off years of silence and stigma, you can learn how to overcome sexual shame. It won’t happen overnight, but it is possible, especially when you have the right tools.

In this guide, we’ll explore how to overcome sexual shame through education, support, and self-compassion — so you can move toward the kind of intimacy and connection you deserve. If you’re struggling with shame and sexuality, read on to find self-acceptance and undo harmful beliefs.

Recognizing the Signs of Sexual Shame

If you want to learn how to overcome sexual shame, you must first understand how it affects your thoughts, behaviors, and relationships. You need to identify and address any unhealthy thought and behavior patterns surrounding sex. There are several harmful ways that feelings of shame around sex can manifest in your life. 

Negative self-talk and body image issues

Sexual shame can cause feelings of embarrassment and unworthiness during sexual activity and other intimate encounters. It might include things like: 

• Avoiding nudity (even in non-sexual situations) 
• Having an unhealthy body image — feeling shame or discomfort about your body 
• Hesitating to initiate sex, even with a trusted partner, out of fear of being judged
• Feeling guilt during or after you’re intimate
• Having intrusive thoughts before, during, or after sexual encounters
• Avoiding self-pleasure because of guilt or cultural or religious taboos
• Being unable to accept compliments 
• Suppressing your sexual desires

Difficulty discussing sex or intimacy

It’s not uncommon for people with sexual shame to find discussions about sex or intimacy difficult, even if they’re in a safe space with someone they trust. This can be true for rape victims, someone who identifies as LGBTQIA+ or is questioning their sexuality, or anyone dealing with shame and sexuality in general​. 

It might be difficult to use sexual terms, hear others talk about sex, or see erotic or sexual scenes in movies or other media. Ultimately, though, the discomfort, fear, and feeling “wrong” for sexual desires could prevent you from developing intimate relationships.

Guilt or anxiety around pleasure 

Studies show our brains are wired to seek pleasure. We want rewards, and we like being satisfied. However, sexual shame can cause distress and self-judgment when exploring sexuality. For example, someone might not masturbate because of the guilt they experience — they might believe that some or all sexual activity is inherently “wrong.”

Struggles with intimacy and relationships

Sexual shame can cause some people to avoid intimacy or disconnect from their partner. They might have an intense fear of rejection due to a perceived (often false) flaw that prevents them from connecting with their partner on a deep emotional or sexual level. 

Over time, that lack of closeness and satisfaction in their relationship can be harmful. It can lead to depression, loneliness, or being unable to get aroused or have an orgasm. 

Steps to Overcome Sexual Shame

Healing sexual shame takes work, but you can do it. Through self-reflection and proactive tools, it’s possible to overcome your fears and cultivate healthy, intimate, sexual relationships.

Identifying the root of shame

The most important part of overcoming sexual shame is knowing where your attitude about sex originated from. Many people find it’s rooted in cultural conditioning or past experiences that caused sexual shame and trauma​. 

As you reflect on the origins of your shame, you’ll likely realize your belief system doesn’t serve you. Then, you can start changing how your attitude toward sex influences your life, sense of self, and relationships.

Challenging negative beliefs and replacing them with self-acceptance

Reframing your thoughts is a powerful technique. It’s an effective way to regain control and overcome the shame you feel about sex. Replacing shame-based thinking with self-compassion will reaffirm that sexuality is a natural and healthy part of your life. 

To accomplish this, you should:

• Identify the negative core beliefs you hold about sex
• Challenge those unhealthy thoughts
• Learn about cognitive restructuring — where you replace distorted thoughts with balanced, kind, and realistic ones
• Use daily affirmations
• Practice mindfulness and self-compassion so you’re aware of your thought processes without judgment

Educating yourself about sexuality and body positivity

Look for sex-positive resources that foster body positivity and help you build confidence about your sexuality. The following resources will educate you and replace misinformation with knowledge: 

• Read books and articles on sex-positivity 
• Follow reputable influencers, educators, and advocates on social media
• Take an online class 
• Attend a sexual health workshop
• Listen to podcasts
• Explore diverse sexual identities and experiences
• Find educational resources on self-love and body positivity

Practicing open and shame-free communication

Practicing proper communication exercises for couples is essential in any healthy relationship. Discussing your emotions and sexual desires with a trusted partner can normalize the topic of sex and intimacy, helping you overcome shame over sexuality​. 

Topics to discuss while practicing open, shame-free communication include: 

• Boundaries
• Pleasures
• Desires
• Past experiences that contribute to your shame
• The importance of using clear, respectful language
• Your true feelings or fears about intimacy 

Engaging in self-exploration without judgment

Connecting with your body through mindfulness exercises, movement, or self-touch will help you embrace your own sexuality without fear of judgment. It’s imperative that you feel safe when exploring your feelings. 

Accomplish this by:

• Meditating
• Keeping a no-judgment journal
• Exploring your body
• Seeking out and joining inclusive communities
• Using expressive art
• Trying not to compare yourself to others
• Seeing a therapist 

Working through shame with a therapist

There’s a lot you can do to overcome sexual shame on your own, but therapy adds a layer of safety that promotes even more growth. Sex-positive counseling is based on research that supports the idea that sexuality is linked to mental health. It focuses on achieving or maintaining positive sexual health to improve relationships and deepen connections. Think of it as a safe space where you can address deep-seated shame and get the tools you need to heal, especially if you’re dealing with sexual shame trauma​. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness techniques are therapeutic and known for their ability to reframe negative beliefs about sex. Studies show that CBT for PTSD and trauma-related depression from sexual abuse can be effective after just 6 – 12 sessions. Trauma-informed therapists are trained to help you process past events that might be contributing to sexual shame.

“Sexual shame can be such an untapped undercurrent to stress in a relationship. Much like finances, we can assume a lot of things about our partners and sometimes that can trap one into unnecessary fear of exploration, learning, asserting and most importantly communicating. Releasing shame, allows for more growth, maturity and also enjoyment. Get some help deconstructing assumed ideas, in order to grow as a partner. Sometimes perspective is all we need in order to understand how much we stand in our own way!”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C

Moving Forward with Self-Acceptance and Confidence

Overcoming sexual shame isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a journey that relies on self-compassion. Healing from sexual shame is an intensive process that relies on self-acceptance, education, and unlearning harmful beliefs. It can be difficult to embrace the idea that sexuality is a natural and healthy part of the human experience. With help, though, you can work toward greater self-confidence, self-worth, and fulfillment. 

If you’re looking for professional guidance, Talkspace is an online therapy platform that offers convenient, affordable access to trained, licensed mental health professionals who specialize in unpacking shame and recovering from trauma. Finding the right support will be an invaluable part of your healing journey. 

If you’re ready to heal from sexual trauma or reframe your shame into positive attitudes about sex, reach out today. Explore online therapy options, including LGBTQIA+ therapy resources, and tools for survivors of sexual trauma. No matter your need, Talkspace is there to help.