How to Support a Friend with Infertility

When someone you love dreams of having a child, watching them struggle with infertility can leave you feeling helpless. An estimated 10% – 15% of couples experience infertility, and the emotional and psychological burdens they face can be devastating. Learning how to support a friend with infertility​ can feel daunting, but with the right information and tools, you can be their rock during this difficult time. 

Offering meaningful help takes sensitivity and understanding — even well-intentioned words or actions can be unknowingly hurtful. If you’re looking for guidance on what to say to someone struggling with infertility, continue reading. We’re exploring the impact infertility can have on mental health and relationships, and providing tips on how to offer the best support.

Understanding the Impact of Infertility

For those going through it, infertility is much more than “just” a medical condition. It’s a life-altering experience that brings a mix of emotions, including grief, frustration, guilt, and loss. Understanding the emotional aspects of infertility is key to supporting a friend or loved one going through it.

Educating yourself about infertility

One of the most effective ways you can support a loved one dealing with infertility is by educating yourself. Familiarize yourself with in vitro fertilization (IVF) or intrauterine insemination (IUI), so you can empathize without making them explain every detail of what they’re going through. This proactive approach to educating yourself shows how much you care (and reduces the burden on them).

Acknowledging the effects on mental health and relationships

Infertility can significantly affect both mental health and relationships. Studies show that 60% of people undergoing fertility treatments experience mental health challenges, with depression, anxiety, and panic being common reactions. The emotional toll of unsuccessful treatments can make these feelings more intense, leaving individuals feeling defeated and isolated. Additionally, about one in three couples report relationship stress as a direct result of infertility, highlighting how this journey can strain even the closest of bonds.

The isolating and discouraging experience

The emotional burden of infertility is further compounded by isolation and fear of stigma, particularly during the diagnostic phase. Many individuals going through infertility treatments experience a decline in self-esteem, feeling inadequate or stigmatized by society. These feelings can lead to a profound sense of loneliness, making it even more difficult for them to reach out for support.

What to Say (& Not Say) to a Friend Struggling with Infertility

Learning how to support someone going through infertility means thoughtfully navigating your conversations. Words have power — when chosen carefully, they can be comforting, but without thought, they can unintentionally cause harm. To communicate with sensitivity, use the following tips.

Express empathy without offering unsolicited advice

Avoid phrases that minimize their experience. Don’t say, “Just relax” or “It’ll happen when you stop trying.” These types of comments trivialize the pain associated with infertility. They imply that people struggling are somehow to blame, like the stress of their experience might be keeping them from conceiving. 

It’s much more useful to gently acknowledge and validate their feelings by saying things like, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” or “That sounds incredibly difficult — how can I help?” 

Be mindful of triggering questions or comments

Avoid making assumptions about family plans unless you know they’re open to discussing them. For example, don’t ask, “When do you plan to have children?” — questions like this can be painful reminders of what they’re going through.

Instead, offer open-ended support, saying things like “I’m always here if you need to talk about anything.”

Let them lead the conversation

Be respectful of boundaries. Let them decide when, where, what, and how much they want to share. If they seem hesitant or you think they’d rather not talk, don’t press for more details. 

You can let them know you’re there when (and if) they’re ready.

“Friendships can be a beacon of light during those times when we don’t know what the future holds. When those feelings arise, having someone listen in whatever form of words come to the surface can be healing. Anguish, frustration, and deep loss need a safe opening to escape. A friend can be a safe place where compassion can enter and calm the heart and mind.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

Ways to Offer Meaningful Support

When someone you care about is coping with infertility, how you support them can make all the difference. Actions speak much louder than words, and there are several ways to show up, help, and offer compassion. 

Listening without judgment

Create a safe space where they feel seen and heard instead of judged or dismissed. Being present and willing to listen provides comfort, and this approach is far more effective than forced positivity will ever be. You’re allowing them to be open and vulnerable, which might be the best support they’ll ever receive. 

“I remember the matriarchs on both sides of my family encouraging me to start a family even though I was navigating college and career.  All my life, the message I received was to finish college and build a career, so I was confused. When we began to plan for a family, I was in my thirties and needed a fertility doctor to facilitate the medical process. Finding out that it is harder to conceive or impossible can be a painful road to navigate. The support of loved ones to counter any self-inflicted guilt and shame is invaluable.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

Offering practical help when appropriate

It might not be the first thing you think of when trying to figure out how to encourage someone going through infertility, but sometimes, it’s the practical gestures that alleviate the most stress. Try doing simple things to give them a break from the emotional toll, like:

• Offering to go to a doctor’s appointment with them
• Helping research treatment options
• Stepping in to run errands, do chores, or prep meals
• Sending thoughtful notes or messages to let them know you’re thinking of them
• Helping them find a support group
• Being flexible when it comes to plans or invites
• Checking in regularly
• Providing distractions, like a movie night 

Respecting their boundaries and emotional needs

Keep in mind that some social events — like baby showers, Mother’s or Father’s Day celebrations, children’s birthday parties, or gender reveal gatherings — can be difficult for those having a hard time starting or expanding their family. If it’s too hard for them to attend, respect their decision and do your best to ensure nobody else is pressuring them.

Supporting a Friend Through Treatment or Pregnancy Loss

Major treatments like IVF can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Pregnancy loss is a common, yet devastating, part of many infertility journeys. To survive it, people need sensitivity and support. If you want to help, you don’t need to have all the answers or even provide solutions. Sometimes, being a good friend just means showing up.

Offering emotional support during IVF or other treatments

Most people who go through a fertility treatment process experience highs and lows along the way. Show them you care and that you’re thinking about them (without overwhelming them) by sending a simple text message, checking in after appointments, or bringing over a meal during their recovery.

Validating grief after pregnancy loss

Losing a pregnancy causes profound grief. Don’t make statements like, “At least you know you can get pregnant now.” Even when offered with good intentions, these types of remarks minimize the pain of losing a child, which can cause an entirely different type of grief. 

Acknowledging the loss is more authentic and helpful — try saying something like “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I’m here if you need someone.”

Avoiding the pressure of “silver linings”

It’s natural to want to support and give hope to someone who’s hurting, but statements like “Everything happens for a reason” feel more dismissive than helpful. Instead, try validating their emotions. You can’t fix their situation, so don’t try to lessen their experience. What you can do is be compassionate and understanding.

Understand the need for space or comfort

When someone is going through infertility treatments or grieving the loss of a pregnancy, their needs can vary from day to day. Because every fertility journey is so deeply personal, and emotional needs can shift over time, there’s no playbook for how to help. Don’t take it personally if they enjoy company today, but ask for solitude tomorrow. 

Moving Forward with Compassion and Sensitivity

Dealing with infertility is often a long, unpredictable journey. Even when they’re finished with treatments — successfully or not — emotional scars can linger for a long time. Infertility usually doesn’t end with a single event. It can be an ongoing process that takes months or years, which is why ongoing infertility support matters so much. Small acts of kindness — like checking in, validating their feelings, being a shoulder to cry on, remembering important dates, or helping with the practical parts of life — have the most lasting impact. 

If you sense they’re struggling, encourage them to seek professional help. Local, professional-led infertility support groups provide accessible spaces to meet and connect with those who relate. Additionally, online therapy platforms like Talkspace make mental health resources accessible, convenient, and affordable. There, it’s possible to find support and resources that are tailored to coping with infertility stress.

Helping someone through infertility takes empathy and patience. You can do the most by educating yourself about their experience, choosing your words carefully, offering meaningful support, and respecting friendship boundaries. Remember that even the tiniest gestures can have a profound impact.

Discover more about online therapy with Talkspace by reaching out today.