How to Know if You’re Non-Binary

Quick Summary

• Non-binary is an umbrella term for people whose gender identity doesn’t fit exclusively as male or female. It can be fluid, shifting, or outside the binary entirely.
• Signs you may be non-binary include feeling disconnected from traditional gender roles, preferring different pronouns or names, experiencing gender euphoria, or questioning societal expectations of gender.
• Exploring your identity can involve reflection on past experiences, experimenting with pronouns or expression in safe spaces, connecting with affirming communities, and working with a gender-affirming therapist.
• Support from trusted friends, peers, or LGBTQIA+ professionals can help you navigate uncertainty, embrace your identity, and live authentically, even if your understanding of gender evolves over time.

Exploring gender can be confusing, especially if you don’t feel like you fit neatly into the categories society expects or wants. Even if you’ve heard terms like non-binary, you still might not be sure what they mean for you. The truth is, gender is a deeply personal and sometimes messy experience. It’s also uniquely yours. 

Non-binary is an umbrella term describing people who don’t feel exclusively male or female. If you’re wondering, Am I non-binary, it’s important to remember that you don’t have to claim a label to understand more about your identity. Exploring your gender isn’t a one-time experience. It’s a process that can take time, reflection, and a need for room to grow.  Keep reading to learn what being non-binary means, how to know if you’re non-binary, and what questions or feelings might come up along the way.

What Does It Mean to Be Non-Binary?

At its core, the term non-binary means you don’t identify as only male or only female. Gender can shift, feel fluid or ambiguous, or be something you don’t experience at all. The different gender identities that fit under the non-binary umbrella include:

• Gender fluid: Your identity feels like it moves and shifts over time.
• Agender: You don’t feel a sense of gender.
• Bigender: You experience two genders, at the same time or alternating.
• Demiboy/Demigirl: You feel some type of connection to a “boy/man” or “girl/woman” label, but not in the fullest or most complete sense.

• Genderqueer: Your gender identity falls outside of the traditional male/female binary.
• Pangender: You identify with many or all genders. 
• Neutrois: You associate your identity with a neutral or null gender.
• Non-binary: You don’t have any extra labels.

There are no rules for identifying as non-binary. You can use any pronouns, dress however you want, and express yourself in whatever ways feel true to you. 

What non-binary is not

It’s important to note that although research shows distress is common for people as they explore their identity, not everyone who is non-binary will experience dysphoria. You don’t have to be distressed about your body or gender. It’s okay to have moments of gender euphoria. You might be perfectly comfortable, and that’s okay, too. 

Being non-binary also doesn’t mean you’re “always out.” You can identify as non-binary without being publicly open about your gender. You might choose to keep your identity private for several reasons, including fear, personal safety, or comfort. 

Finally, non-binary is not the same thing as androgynous, which describes how you look, dress, or express yourself. Androgynous is not about how you feel about your internal gender identity. 

Common Feelings and Questions When Exploring Gender

Exploring your gender can bring up emotions and questions that you’re not quite sure how to navigate. Being curious and questioning gender identity is valid and normal, and you won’t always find immediate answers. If you’ve ever thought about any of the following, you’re not alone. Studies suggest it can take time to explore and claim a non-binary identity. The resolution can be delayed if you don’t have resources or support.

Common feelings and questions non-binary people might have while exploring gender:

• I’ve never really felt comfortable as a boy or girl. Does this mean something?
• It feels uncomfortable when people use gendered language directed at me.
• Even though people see me as one way, I feel different inside.
• I feel like I’m outside binary gender norms, even if I can’t name exactly what’s different about me.
• I wonder why I feel so much pressure to act a certain way. Could it be because of my gender?
• I often wish people would see me as I see myself, without making assumptions about my gender.
• Sometimes, even simple things, like being called the wrong pronoun and other forms of misgendering, make me feel invisible.
• I don’t always know how to describe my gender to others.

Ways to Explore Your Gender Identity

If you’re curious about being non-binary, there are several exercises you can use to help you understand.

Reflect on your experiences

Think about yourself. Do you feel different when you play other roles, wear different clothes, or find yourself in certain situations? When you think about your childhood, did you crave or reject specific gender experiences? Maybe you were expected to play with dolls as a girl or play football as a boy, but those didn’t feel authentic to you. The memories you have from the experiences you’ve gone through can offer subtle clues to who you are.

Try out new language or pronouns

Using a different name or pronoun can be surprisingly empowering. Try saying different pronouns out loud—alone or with someone you trust—and notice how it feels. You don’t have to pick pronouns that match your appearance or style. It’s okay to take your time and explore as you try to find something that feels authentic.

“It is important to recognize that not everyone is going to be respectful when it comes to things like preferred pronouns and other gendered language. That said, it is important to remember that even if certain people do not abide by your preferred language, it does not change who you are. Additionally, try to be understanding when someone is trying. It may take some time for someone to be able to make necessary adjustments to their language.”

–Talkspace therapist Jay Swedlow, LMHC

Seek affirming communities

Connecting with others, whether online or in person, can be incredibly validating. Hearing their stories may help you recognize your own. Community can be a central source of resilience and support.

“It is important to be prepared for some adversity. Not everyone is going to be immediately accepting and understanding of your gender exploration. Set reasonable expectations. This won’t necessarily change the outcome, but when we get what we expected, we are not surprised or caught off guard. Being mentally prepared is critical. Additionally, remember that with judgment comes consequence. Most people don’t have the ability to give us consequences, so think of it as an opinion instead of a judgment. Only we have the ability to turn a person’s opinion into an actual judgment by dwelling on it to a point where we actually start to do things in a way that we do not find pleasing based on what someone said or how they feel.”

– Talkspace therapist Jay Swedlow, LMHC

Embracing Fluidity and Uncertainty

It’s okay if your experience with gender shifts over time. According to research, gender fluidity is normal and common, especially in younger people and those who identify outside of traditional binaries. While labels can help some people feel seen, for others, they can be restrictive or hurtful. You don’t need a label to be valid or to live as your true self. 

If you notice a subtle or overt change in your sense of self, embrace it and be kind. Your gender journey can evolve, just like you can.

“Gender is sometimes fluid. Not always, but some of the time. If your feelings towards your own gender shift, that is OK.  Keep this in mind, and while exploring gender, make sure to do this in a safe way.  There are lots of different environments we may find ourselves in. Some are going to be more welcoming than others.”

– Talkspace therapist Jay Swedlow, LMHC

Finding Support That Gets It

If you’re struggling to figure out how to know if you’re non-binary, consider seeing a gender-affirming therapist. They can help you make sense of your questions and feelings. Even if you’re not out to others or are wrestling with how to come out to your loved ones, you deserve support. In fact, gender-affirming mental healthcare has been proven in studies to enhance well-being, decrease suicidal thoughts, and reduce distress. You don’t need to have everything figured out right now, but therapy can be your space to reflect and sort through your feelings.

Talkspace offers LGBTQIA+ affirming mental health support from experienced, qualified licensed therapists. They understand the importance of honoring diversity through gender. No matter where you are in your journey, Talkspace is there to support you. 

Reach out today to learn more about online LGBTQIA+ therapy.  

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