When Anger and Emotions Run Your Life

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I became self-aware of my anger in my early 20s after I was diagnosed as bipolar. Shortly after my diagnosis, I was at a bar with some friends and an ex-boyfriend showed up with his new girlfriend. Some words were said and instead of walking away to cool off, I threw myself at her and wrapped my fingers around her throat. Two bouncers pulled me off and frog-marched me to the door. Even though I clearly had been drinking, I got into my car and sped off to a friend’s house. I crashed on their couch and drove home sober early the following morning.

I marveled later that I was not pulled over for drunk driving and, had I been, how much my life would have changed. I marveled that assault charges were never filed against me. I also marveled at how my anger may have become my new normal.

It was a wake-up call. Something had to change, but the actual change wouldn’t come until much later. Continue reading When Anger and Emotions Run Your Life

How Do I Know What Kind of Bipolar I Have?

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There are multiple types of bipolar disorder — a disorder known as an affective or mood disorder. The three main types are: bipolar disorder type I, bipolar disorder type II and cyclothymia. Also, there are certain additional “specifiers” that denote particular types of symptoms seen in each bipolar mood.

Bipolar disorder appears evenly in men and women. Women, however, are more likely to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II. Women are also more likely to experience mixed episodes (see below) and a “rapid cycling” version of the illness where the person experiences more than four mood episodes per year.

Bipolar Disorder Type I

Bipolar disorder type I is what people tend to think of when they imagine bipolar disorder (previously known as manic depression). It is made of up a very elevated mood known as “mania” and a very low mood called “depression.”

A person with bipolar disorder type I experiences these moods episodically. He or she may experience a manic episode for two months followed by a three-month depression followed by a symptom-free period (known as euthymia). Continue reading How Do I Know What Kind of Bipolar I Have?

When I Knew I Had Bipolar Disorder

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As part of May’s Mental Health Month, we shared stories that raised awareness about mental illness and empowered those who suffer from it. This piece is part of our Darkest Day series, a collection of stories from people who’ve made it through the worst of their illness and now light the way for others. #LightYourWay

Recently I began experiencing symptoms of hypomania. I was irritable, had the sex drive of a teenage boy, and felt euphoric. I knew something was off with me. I hadn’t felt this way before, not to this extent. I contacted my psychiatrist and made an appointment. He confirmed that I was experiencing hypomania, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II.

It was a relief to know what was happening. Nonetheless, I was frightened because — unlike what the media portrays — mania isn’t fun. It’s exhausting and scary.

You do feel temporarily euphoric, at least I did. The feeling of mania is surreal and sometimes wonderful, but other times terrifying. It makes you feel out of sorts and a different version of yourself. I feel pressured to speak quickly, keep moving and keep doing things until my body can’t take it anymore. It’s awful and I don’t wish these feelings on anyone.

Mania isn’t wonderful. It’s a terrible feeling that impacts people living with bipolar disorder. Continue reading When I Knew I Had Bipolar Disorder